Monthly Archives: June 2009

about someone who has given me this life

This is the story about a woman called Bunda. Bunda in Bahasa Indonesia refers to someone who has given a birth to a child. My Bunda is … difficult.

She’s so perfectionist, everything must be done perfectly if I don’t want to hear a shout or more from her.
She’s so high-profile, stubbornly idealist and .. Shit, She’s arrogant. Her chin will always be up and she looks at above.
She has never wanted to have kids, she was stormed by her dad to get married and have her own family, but deeply she didn’t want to, she want to be alone, live for herself, solitary.
She never be here for me, she never give her shoulder for me to cry on.
She’ll always yell me if anything goes wrong. Gives me tears. Gives me hatreds. Yeah, she really will.
She has divorced from my dad, and she hates my dad as I hate cockroaches.
She always curses my dad in front of me and it’s the worst. Sometimes, it seems like she wants me to hate my dad. Oh come on, that would never be!!!!
She loves her friends, looks more than she loves my brother and me.
She’s cool like Hitler, and nobody can beat her, INCLUDE her mum.
She has a not-really-good management of emotions. She can’t handle the drive to angry *and i’m the best person for her to be angry at*.
She loves shopping as long as it’s a branded stuff. If it is not, don’t ask. For the sake of her prestige, she NEEDS to buy anything branded *so why don’t you buy those brands, mum?*.
She never is proud of me.

Otherwise..

She’s so smart, well-educated, classy, and only a plenty of women can have an opportunity like she has had.
She’s beautiful. Really! I often see her boss(es) flirt and ask her for something romantic. Ah stupid! *go away, Sir, i promise you wouldn’t get it!*
She’s qualified in everything. One thing she isn’t : raise her kids. She has failed.
She’s strong and contended. The strongest woman I’ve ever met is her.
She has purity, and always shows respect towards anything, anyone, at anywhere, anytime.
She is a kind of a free-spirited person, and she indulged me with no-strict-rules care giving.
She’s less than a workaholic. maybe too-workaholic, and what an ambitious lady ever!

bunda
The most important are :

She teaches me (indirectly) how to be an independent woman, who can stand on my feet and I’m the only person who can put a high expectation TO ME.
She wants me to study, to learn, because she doesn’t want to have a daughter with brain dysfunction. She’ll be mad and embarrassed if she knows she has an ‘idiot’ daughter. She’ll kick me off from her life, although she’ll never clap me and say, “congratulation!”, if i get my best scores. *poor me, hihi*

So I would like to :

Show her that “here I am”. The one who has never grownup with her *mum* hands, emotionally, But with MY hands.
Let her know that I’m her daughter who always struggling ALONE with anything in front of me. I have never begged her help; I think I don’t need it. I can help myself. Surely. more than she can.
Get myself out of her, and build my own family, but I promise I’ll take care of her, till I die, till she dies, I won’t let her starved although for a second, i won’t!!
Make her happy with HER LIFE, not with me. Because I know, her hope is living alone, laugh with her friends and concern at her career, and she so doesn’t need me. *I’ll go, away from you, if it’s all you want*.
Begin my journey, be better than her, in everything *especially to my (future) kids*.
And those are enough.

It’s her birthday now. And for the gift *I have kissed her while she was sleeping, lol*, I want you guys to know that I love her, so deep. I can’t tell it to her because, it means nothing and I feel like i waste my time. She won’t be touched.
I don’t need anything except seeing her happy. with her life … and afterlife.
She doesn’t need to worry because … I have been letting her do ANYTHING she wants, as long as it can make her smiling.

Again, and those are enough.
happy birthday, Bunda. i’m beside you, and Allah is inside you.

cheers, Sarah. xoxo

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Filed under me in me, me love fams

being rejected by lecturer

Hahahaha, WTF? Nevertheless, yes for real, my lecturer has rejected me this afternoon. I was absolutely in shock the moment after the rejection happened. It was my 1st time, being rejected, I have never been like that before. My mistake, I know. I was super tired yet after attended the field-study this morning. I went home after mentoring section was finished, took a roll of tobacco, after that, I lied my tired-body in bed, then I fell asleep *on sudden*. I got awake at 1, let myself prepared, then departed to atma. Another WTF, the traffic has got its jam, so umm.. I was late. Lius *my friend* told me in his text to stride quicker and  quiiick-eerrrr because the hilarious-American-Javanese-articulation of my lecturer was wounding their ears, especially for those who came late. I was wondering whether I could come or not, but still … I challenged myself to, with heartbeats and nerves. I opened the door and she said, “Sorry saya gak terima tuh..” *sorry I can’t accept you*. What the … hahahahaha! Hoo gosh, I felt like I’m a jerk student who deserves to be rejected, rejected with her sentiment.

Yea yea, I take this as an experience. Being rejected by a lecturer, a middle-age-and-single woman who dealing with her pre-menopause syndrome (hahahaha, hey I’m seriouuuss!), haa it’s so funneeeh.

The latent message I can get : don’t be a sentimental while on a pre-menopause syndrome. It’s not really good for people around you. LOL.

cheers.

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Filed under daily basis, me in campus